Monday, February 25, 2008

The Barnio Returns

It's strange. Chatting to LOF this weekend we had almost given up on a house, we had almost made the decision out loud to go straight back to Oz after the wedding (even though we both know that this is not a good idea! Not that quickly)and we were both feeling a little more than fed up. I had a headache and a cold and was a grumpy ol' thing and he had been feeding paper into a printer over and over again in an attempt to get some invitations finished.

Then things started to change today.

I got so fed up in a meeting at work that I suddenly, without really thinking first said out loud what has been in my mind for so long... I told everyone how I felt about it all how it was making me miserable, making me consider a new job and how it was all so sad.

As a result a whole new (hour long) debate started where everyone seemed to sigh and seem relieved. Everyone was surprised but seemed to agree and for the first time in a while everyone was united in something... I felt terrible at the time.
Things were getting desperate and I wasn't sure I could take much more...
So I said it
and now I know I need to say it again to the right people all at once.
It made me feel a little better to know that it's not just me. That it's everyone. I am clearly not going mad and have clearly not got confused about what this job is.

Then... when I left work and met Matt at Span's house (we stole a tea bag ;) He told me that he had had a phone call. Apparently the barn's sale fell through. Do we want to make another offer?? Well well well well well. Of course we do but it'll be about 8 grand less than we offered last time and we want to use our own solicitors. Are things starting to take a turn for the better?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Sea sick in the cinema (Saturday)

I'm sat in the foyer of the "empire" cinema Rubery. I@m supposed to be in screen 5, watching a monster rampage through New York city whilst a silly "vice president" man tries to get to Beth. At least I think that is what might be happening. You see I've had to leave the screen. The jumping, juddering hand held cameras have caused the same issues that they did when I attempted to watch the " Blair Witch Project".

The fresh air, quiet and the stillness of the foyer are slowly dissolving the overwhelming feeling of sickness. It's taken me 10 minutes to get to the point where I am able to write.
Note to self: Take sea sickness tablet at least 1 hour before voyeuristic, hand held camera-esq cinematography occurs.

Amusingly, I rarely get actual sea sickness. There was that one time, on a trip to a cold country in Europe but that's it. Trying to watch the 6th Sense whilst the sea lashed around you gave the overwhelming fear that life was about to end in a similar fashion to that of the brave souls aboard the Titanic. Ah well, at least this is proof of the DNA link between myself and mother - who, by the way, gets seasick on a lilo!

Maybe sitting in a foyer, avoiding the gaze of puzzled cinema employees will give me some time and space to ponder all of the many things that are fighting for prevalence in my mind at the moment.

The ever continuing saga of where to live and what to buy and the stressful revenge that life seems to be throwing at us. As if to say "You might have been responsibility free for 12months but here's what you might have missed = ALL AT ONCE!"

A frail and wonderful grandmother who worries so much about trivial things that she cries and cries until she can barely remember who she is.

The amazingly beautiful, intelligent and caring best friend whose heart has been splintered into several unbearable pieces who wishes she could forget sometimes.

The job that seems such a vocation which is starting to feel like the clichéd dead albatross around my neck.

The adjustment from solitude, solace and serendipity to hustle, bustle and pressure.

The niggling feeling that I don't know where I belong and the certainty that right now I need to be exactly where I am. And the constant warmth love and affection of the one control in my life.

It's been busy and uncontrolled and wonderful and unbearable. A true collection of oxymoron feelings, thoughts and events that remind you of what being with your friends and family means. Perhaps the point is that there's not supposed to be any one correct answer.

Several paths open everyday and the choice to walk is our own. I tool the path that was " less travelled". It opened up an entirely new world to me. The path that was the hardest was the most rewarding in the end. Squashing the tangled mass of terrifying thoughts and feelings allowed me to find parts of me that hadn't even existed before. How ironic it is that now the place that once felt so familiar and manageable is the most difficult thing to deal with.

Is sometimes wonder if is the place I miss or the person I was allowed to be there. I have to consider if that person can exist here too and I have to do everything I can to help her be.

Friday, February 15, 2008

For the future Elbarbarys


Congratulations. Now we need to hear how it was done ;)

The last time I wrote we had just discovered that the Barn was not to be. We were both a bit miffed about that, understandably so, and have spent every bloomin' weekend since trying to find somewhere else. Unfortunately, our search has been more or less fruitless. It is frustrating that at every turn we are thwarted! Australia never seems to be far behind. Houses are being sold because people are leaving for their new adventure, koalas and digeridoos are everywhere and all we ever seem to be shown are "new builds" which neither of us really like!

Half term has not been a holiday, as my diary demonstrates. I haven't stopped at all and rested is not a term I would use to describe my current state. How I am supposed to tick all the boxes and make sure I am perfect in time for a new school half term is beyond me. I am really struggling with the whole teaching thing at the moment if I'm honest. I'm am only 5 1/2 weeks in to my return to "normality" but it all looks pretty hairy to me! Here's hoping another 5 weeks will make me feel more at home with it all.

Obviously, the last few weeks have been harder for my closest friends. It's hard to know what to say to make it all better; especially when I know there really isn't anything I CAN say or do to make the hurt go away. I do know that they love each other very much and that this is all very, very, very sad. When love is meant to be it will triumph over everything and anything. We all have our fingers crossed that the thing that was shared, was really true love and that it will all be OK in the end. If it isn't, then maybe it wasn't and that's OK too. Well it will be one day soon.

I do know that they are both wonderful people. Wonderful and lovely people always deserve happiness and, although the the last 12 months have been nothing less than traumatic, I know that they will be happy again, that it will all make sense again and the only way is up. Sometimes life has a cruel way of throwing as many obstacles as it possibly can in a person's way. Although I know it doesn't feel like there could possibly be a reason, or that the reason might be a cruel joke, each of these trials does make you stronger eventually.

X

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Barnio


So we decided to bite the bullet , to stop feeling so lost and to buy a house. We fell in love with a beautiful barn conversion in Brockhill that was lovely and had a nice proce tag (that we could afford) We made offers, battled it out, gave our final offer and it was accepted..... on one condition... we use their solicitors and noone elses. Now obviously it is not a good idea to have the same solicitor when buying a house; it's a conflict of interest. So we said we'd rather use our own thanks. They replied you use the same one as us or we'll choose the next best offer! They wouldn't give us the weekend to think about it and they wouldn't talk to our solicitors in order to work out any issues. So we had to pull out.
GUTTED is not the word.
Yet another set back for no apparant reason......